Regret

I have had this sense of regret around me lately. This is new..I don't remember feeling sorrow over doing something or not doing something (as is more often the case)...but there it is...and I can't shake it. But then I looked the word up and I'm not sure it is what I feel. The dictionary says that regret means "to feel sorry, disappointed or distressed about, a sense of loss, distress over a desire unfulfilled or an action performed or not performed." This doesn't fit the bill for me. I am not mourning anything...I just wish I could go back and not let a certain person into my life. I want to undo it. I don't think that is the same thing. It is all so uncool to admit regret in today's world. The "I-am-so-blessed-crowd" will tell you that you should never regret anything....because you can always learn from your mistakes, that pain helps weave the tapestry that is your life...blah blah blah. Well, yeah, I guess that is technically true but who wants to hear that? I read a quote from someone anonymous..."I regret every chance I missed at protecting myself from being hurt." Yes! That's it exactly! That is what I regret! I wish I could go back in time and say "no thanks!" That's what I want.

But of course, as is often the case, I am not gonna get what I want. And that leads me back to my heart issues and how to solve them. My blood pressure is reasonable, and I feel way better. I looked up what Louise Hay has to say about the BP ailment and she says that hypertension is due to a "long-standing emotional problem not solved." And she says that your self-talk mantra should be something like "I joyously release the past. I am at peace." I don't think I have any long-standing emotional problems..this one is pretty new. But I think her self-talk thing is probably appropriate. Sure can't hurt. It's always fun to see what Louise has to say about things in one of her books like, "You Can Heal Your Life" but she can be almost too simplistic. Of course, in the Reiki realm, I think the heart chakra has more to do with how you feel about yourself than anyone else...remember "I love myself, I love myself...and all that?" And according to Bach (the flower therapy guy who I have talked about before) I should get some Pine Bach Therapy. He says that Pine relates to the soul qualities of regret and forgiveness. To help me forgive me for not protecting myself, right? I think I am starting to get it.

So, I wish I could go back about one year and make a different decision. But I can't (and I have to interject here that I have never felt this "I wish I hadn't" thing before, except after a particulary hearty party.) The problem is that the lesson I have learned so far is "don't trust someone with your heart because they are not gonna take care of it." I am afraid that this is not a good lesson. I don't want to be one of those people who is all closed up. I guess there is no real solution here but caution. Caution caution caution. Maybe I should get some of that yellow tape and wrap it around myself. But I look terrible in yellow.

It is so easy to distract yourself from, well.....life... during the summer. You can just concentrate on the sun and the activities that come with warmth and light. But this morning it feels like fall. It is f-ing cold out there. And that means I am gonna have to get back to reality soon. Just like all you kids that have to go back to school. Ugh...maybe that's what I regret...that it can't be summer all the time.